accidental existence

Life, one sentence at a time

“…here I stand 6 feet small, romanticizing years ago… December 31, 2017

Filed under: Uncategorized — emletterman @ 7:13 pm

It’s been a helluva a year for my little family.
The highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

A flip of the calendar.
A chance for something new.
Is 11:59 p.m. Dec. 31 that much different than midnight Jan. 1?

And no.
It’s fresh.

Will forever be the year we lost a daughter, a sister and a mother.
It was unexpected.
It hurt like hell.
You never forget making that decision.
Knowing it was for the best.
Knowing she was already gone.
Knowing in your heart, but feeling that heart break at the same time.

My identity changed forever.
I was a journalist for more than a decade.
I am no longer.
It was literally the hardest decision I’ve ever made.
I loved being a journalist.
It was all I ever wanted to be.
It was who I was.
Who I am.
But I wasn’t happy.
I hadn’t been for a long time.
No matter who I told, nobody seemed to care.
That hurt the most.

So I left.
And damn am I glad I did.

The year of #Letterbaby.
We began the journey this spring.
So much paperwork.
And hope.
We’re still on the waitlist.
There is still hope.

I baked more things than I ever knew were possible.
The generosity of our friends and family has been overwhelming.
I continue to be amazed everyday at what people are willing to do for us.
My heart is full.

I made new friends.
Reconnected with old ones.
And lost a long-time friend I never thought possible.
We welcomed two new little guys to the fold.
Memories were made.
Love was shared.

It will be a year I never forget.
A lot can happy in 365 days.
Lives can change forever.
For the good.
For the bad.
For the unexpected.
For the moments in between.

Hello, 2018.
I may be asking too much of you, but dreams never did know boundaries.
I’ll hope for the good.
Dream of the best.
And brace myself for the unexpected bumps.

Please, 2018
Be nice to us.



BELOW THE FOLD: Taking a stand for #TakeAKnee September 29, 2017

Filed under: Uncategorized — emletterman @ 5:33 pm

I no longer buy ink by the barrel.
But you better believe I still have opinions on things.
As part of my decade in journalism, I wrote a monthly opinion column.
Topics ranged from my pug to maternity leave.
It was one of my favorite parts of the job.

While I’m no longer a working journalist, I’m still a writer.
And writers have to write.

Until now, this blog has been dedicated to my random daily musings.
Dog sweaters, IT guys and what’s for dinner.
Today, it becomes just a bit more.

I’m going to continue writing my monthly column: Below the Fold.
I’ll share it in this space.
Read it, skip it, ignore it – it’s your choice.

I want to write it.

I was inspired.

Here’s the first installment.

If you don’t support #TakeAKnee, you’re wrong.
It’s just that simple.
I’ve heard the arguments for respect and for keeping politics out of the workplace, for honoring  our soldiers and for patriotism. Those sound like valid reasons. They make great sound bites and nice memes to share on Facebook.
But if you actually put brain to thought and think about them, they’re shit.
They make no sense for once simple reason: The Constitution of the United States of America.
People have the right to protest.
Let me say that again so it can sink in: People have the constitutional right to protest.
That means they can protest anything they want, anytime they want, anywhere they want – shocker – even if you don’t like it.
Even if you call them “sons of a bitches.”
The founding fathers believed in that right so much, they wrote it into the very document that makes us who we are as a nation.
Unlike the walking bigot we have in office now, I think fictional President Andrew Shepherd once said it best:
“America isn’t easy. America is advanced citizenship. You’ve gotta want it bad, ‘cause it’s gonna put up a fight. It’s gonna say, ‘You want free speech? Let’s see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil, who’s standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours.’ You want to claim this land as the land of the free? Then the symbol of your country cannot just be a flag. The symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Now, show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms. Then you can stand up and sing about the land of the free.”
Our country wasn’t built on a flag. Millions have not lost their lives for a flag. Patriotism isn’t just the stars and stripes – it’s what that flag stands for.
Kneeling before a flag should be equally as honored as waving one in celebration for they are two sides of the same coin.
This isn’t a right vs. left debate. This isn’t about snowflakes or gun-toting patriots. Black vs. white. It’s not about you, it’s not about Colin Kapernick, it’s not about me.
This is about the United States of America.
And the most American thing you can do is protest– just ask King George III.





“…it’s hard to beat the system when we’re standing at a distance…” September 25, 2017

Filed under: Uncategorized — emletterman @ 11:10 am

It seems the more life changes the more it stays the same.

No update on Letterbaby yet.
Still, we wait.

I am drowning in #bakingforababy orders this week.
A good problem to have.
I increased the price to $30.
I feel bad about that.
But I was having to buy so many supplies for specialty things, it wasn’t worth it.
“Worth it” is relative.
If I bake a cake, it takes me three hours and I make $5 total for the fund, is it worth it?
Yes, I did make $5.
But we will get no where fast at that rate.

I feel bad asking our friends and family for money.
More money.
Baking is a way I can give them something in return.
It’s still not my favorite.
I’m a shitty salesman.

Team Baking for a Baby will have a booth at an upcoming Junior League event.
I’ve been overwhelmed by the generosity of people willing to donate to the booth.
It’s going to be a furious few days of baking leading up to it.

I’m nervous though.

What if I bake all these things to sell and nobody buys them?
Then I’ve taken money from Letterbaby.
The exact opposite of my goal.
There’s a balance there I’m sure.
I just can’t see it yet.

Starting my fifth week at the new gig.

It’s cold in my office today.
That’s a problem I’ve never had.
Always hot.
I have a desk fan.
Walked down to the second floor healing garden for some sun exposure.

Adam hasn’t assembled our Billy the bookcase yet.
The nursery is in chaos.

As is this process.

Not outwardly, but there are so many variables.
I have this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Nobody will ever pick us.

We will wait forever.
We will wait until it’s too late.

Baking for a Baby refunds?

Today is Monday.
It feels like it should be raining.
It’s not.

I’m trying to drink my water this week.
My weight loss has stalled.
I’ve plateaued as they say.
Roller coaster of ups and downs for two months.
Makes me angry.
I was advised to drink my water.

I’m 32 ounces in and I already hate life.
The bathroom is too far away for this.

Saw Kingsman this weekend.
Not as good as the first, but better than most sequels.

Food at Alamo Drafthouse is too expensive.
One adult milkshake, a lemonade and some gummy bears.
$20 gone.

I’d like to eat at Lambert’s soon.
Hot rolls are life.

Adam has tennis tonight.
I’m on the find something to eat on the way home train.

I think I’m gonna do the Turkey Trot this year.

My Apple Watch won’t sync to my new work Wellness portal.
Mac and Windows don’t play well together.
Which means I don’t get my daily point.
My daily $1.
They said they created a workaround.
But it doesn’t work.
For anybody in my office.
But they keep telling us it does.
I’ve yet to meet anybody it works for.
Lots of people use Apple Watch.
Just sayin.
Why can’t we all just be friends?

I brought another lamp to my office.
Very moody in here.
Fits today.

Lots of meetings on tap this week.
Two field trips.

I’m tired of waiting.

Don’t mind me, I’ll just be right here.


“I’m an architect of days that haven’t happened yet…” September 12, 2017

Filed under: Uncategorized — emletterman @ 6:34 pm

Man oh man, has my world changed.
I’m no longer a journalist.
In fact, in the last three weeks, I haven’t written anything longer than a couple sentences.
It’s weird.
A good weird.

The new gig is pretty fab.
It’s not the work, it’s the environment.
It’s the deadline schedule.
It’s the workload.
It’s the stress.
The little things that become big things.
The big things become boulders to overcome.
The struggle gets old.
I was tired.

I feel refreshed.

I thought I’d miss it more than I do.

Corporate life.
There’s a new experience.
I went from a staff of 18 to a company of 11,000+.
There is a form for everything.
There’s also a cafeteria.
It’s a 1/2 mile from my office.
I clocked it on the Apple Watch.

I miss working downtown.
I would have liked to see the 9/11 ceremony yesterday.

It takes 25 minutes to drive to work now.
I can actually hear a full NPR story.

It’s becoming fall.
A lady in my office wore booties today.
First pair I’ve seen at work this season.

I wear a lot more dresses these days.
Journalist chique is no longer a thing.
I’m kind of OK with that.
It feels more adult.
This whole job feels more adult.
I don’t know why.

I have my own office.
First time ever.
It’s fantastic.
And quiet.
I need a lamp.
IKEA run this weekend.

I never thought I’d have an office.
I’m not the office type.
I’m the pit type.
I like to be around people.
I like to talk.
Geoff gets way more text messages from me now.

No update on #Letterbaby.
Still, we wait.

I’ve started working on a nursery.
Even though they told us not to.
How could I not?
I mean, really.
It’s a slow process, but that’s OK, I have a lot of time.

People keep asking me what the theme is.
There is no theme.
There is a color scheme.
Why do all nurseries have to have a theme?
Why must everything be covered in bears or owls or giraffes?
Why can’t it just be modern and adorable?
That’s what I’m striving for.
See the rest of my house.
Nothing in the room will match, yet somehow, it will all go together.

FB ads are targeting me.
I think I need an Owlet now.
Wayfair sends me daily crib updates.

I’m addicted to Hello Fresh boxes.

Headed to KC this weekend for the baby shower of Elliott Greer.
I made his mama something special.

I’m ready for fall festivals.

I just picked up supplies.
I’m #bakingforababy one $25 donation at a time.
One the docket: a batch of chocolate chip cookies, gingerbread cookies and three (!) dozen pumpkin cream cheese muffins.
Want me to bake something for you?
Because I totally will.
And it will be delicious.

Adam is playing in his pinball league tonight.

The winds of change are blowing.
For once in my life, I’ve embraced them.
It’s made all the difference.


Office pug knows what’s what.


“…in the mood to lose my way with words…” June 14, 2017

Filed under: Uncategorized — emletterman @ 4:26 pm

Blogs are a funny thing.
I haven’t posted on this one since 2014.
Did anybody miss it?
Probably not.
Did I notice?
Not until today.
Though, truth be told, I was surprised it had been that long.

Three years later and what’s changed?
I’m three years older.

It’s summer time in the Ozarks.
I can gauge the humidity by how many ringlets my curls have formed.
It’s pretty damn humid today.

I finally joined the current century—I started using a digital calendar.
Despite everything in my life branded with an Apple logo, I’ve resisted.
I like my paper desktop calendar.
I’ve not completely abandoned it yet.
Let me just say, damn digital is handy.
It took a bit to get it all in there, but now it’s synced up to everything I own.
I enter an event on my work computer.
I can see it on my phone.
My watches notifies me when it’s time to leave.

It’s also overwhelming.

My life is so scheduled, yet I feel like I do nothing.
Interviews in purple.
Home life in blue.
Letterman family social calendar in red.
Blue haircut at 4 p.m.
If I wanted to stop and smell the roses, I have time next Friday.
I’ll mark it red, so Adam can enjoy them, too.

I just finished rewatching Grey’s Anatomy.

Adam and I currently are watching The Office.
No, I’ve never seen it before.
Yes, it’s shocking.
Yes, it was a national tragedy.
Yes, I openly love Jim Halpert.

I have avocado toast for lunch.
I don’t care what baby boomers say, it was delicious and worth every penny.

Adam is grilling pork chops for dinner.

Speaking of national tragedy.
It’s hard to read the news some days.
And I’m a damn journalist.
There were two mass shootings today.
Last week commander Cheeto backed out of the Paris climate deal.
That’s depressing.

People aren’t nice anymore.

I fell at the movie theater last weekend.
We were seeing Wonder Woman.
Sidenote: Amazing.
There was a ledge for the recliners.
It was dark.
Popcorn went everywhere.
The 32 ounce root beer went even further.
I skinned my knee.
But it’s the bruises I wasn’t prepared for.
My forearm hit the ground.
It’s now hard to type.
My thigh.
My side.
If you think it sounds pretty awful, you’re right.
I am not Wonder Woman.

It’s summer time in the Ozarks and it’s currently 90 degrees.
I hate it.

We might have to turn on the A/C at home soon.
The combination of rock walls, trees and lots of windows keep us decently cool into June.
But it’s starting to test me at night.

Sometimes, I sleep with ear plugs because the birds are too loud.
Windows open and all.
But only from the hours of 5 a.m. to 6 a.m.

Chuck threw up last night.
It was gross.

I’m hot right now.

We should go to the lake.


Still not as cute as Jim.



2014 in review December 29, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — emletterman @ 5:00 pm

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 480 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 8 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.


“…I refuse to believe, that my life’s gonna be, just some string of incompletes…” December 22, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — emletterman @ 4:57 pm

According to my TimeHop, I wrote a blog on this day last year.
Seems appropriate I do the same this year.
Next year’s TimeHop will be a blog vortex of thought.

Newsflash: It’s two days until Christmas.
I’ve got just one gift left to buy.
I’m not happy about it.
I don’ think I’ve ever had a gift to buy this late in the game.
I just don’t have any good ideas.
Spent most of the day Saturday wandering stores.
We even ventured into the mall
I think I’ve finally got an idea, now, to just execute.
At at store which closes by 5:30 each day.

Sunday was holiday baking day.
One of the best days of the year.
Double-chocolate cracked cookies, fudge and Oreo truffle balls were on the agenda.
I snuck in some chocolate chip cookies last week.
I was on a sugar high.
You know you have to taste these things as you go.
Make sure everything is good.
If you happen to eat a couple warm cookies right out of the oven, that’s the price of doing business, right?

It’s the weird week in the office when we don’t have an issue.
Sent the last issue of the year to press last week.
It’s nice.
The office is practically empty.
I need to remember to schedule more vacation time around the holidays next year.

There are so many Christmas cards on the front counter you can’t see the laminate anymore.
People really love SBJ.

Speaking of treats.
They’ve been rolling in the office non-stop since Thanksgiving.
No wonder so many people make diet resolutions come the 1st.

Present wrapping on tonight’s agenda.
I just love it.
The ribbon.
The bows.
The glitter paper.
It makes my heart smile.

I need some coffee.
When are we getting that office Keurig again?

The grommet on my favorite black coat came loose this morning.
Noticed it right as I sat down for an interview.
I was so worried, it threw me off my game for the first few questions.
I’ve had that coat at least 4 years.
I love it.
I hope the seamstress can fix it.

Big changes are coming in 2015 for my little family.
I’m nervous.
I’m thrilled.
I’m anxious.
Adam is getting an ulcer.

Good response to this year’s #catshaming Christmas card.
Everyone loves a furbaby in a elf hat.

Speaking of furbabies, bought Danny a tie-dye shirt for Christmas the other day.
He’s gonna be adorable.

My radio is on non-stop Christmas music.
John Lennon’s “Happy Xmas” came on the other day.
“So this is Christmas, and what have you done, another year older and a new one’s just begun..”
Though I’ve heard it a thousand times, it made me cry.
What have I done this year?
I’ve worked a lot.
I took a bunch of road trips with my husband.
What have I contributed to our society?
I’m gonna work on that this year.

I love my KitchenAid stand mixer.

Just one more day, just one more day.
That’s my mantra right now.
Just one more day until a 5 day weekend.
This morning it was , just two more days, just two more days…

It was Christmas card/truffle day at work.
I love making others smile.
Also, chocolate.

Real or not real?

Last Christmas, Adam gave me 52 foot massage coupons.
One a week for a year.
I’ve only used like 20.
They expire Dec. 25.
I’ve had a foot massage everyday for the past week.
I think Adam hates life.
Barging has begun.

The Christmas lights are on 24/7 now.
We are in the home stretch.
In the early weeks, we turn them off at night to save electricity.
It’s full tilt electric cheer from here on out.

I’m ready for 24 hours of A Christmas Story.
“My dad worked in profanity the same way other artists worked in oils or clay.”
“The warm glow of electric sex illuminated in the window.”
“Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense.”
Damn, I LOVE that movie.

All three of my calendars are lined out for the upcoming year.
My life is chaos contained in deadline.

It’s time to end.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

How excited am I for Christmas? About this excited.

How excited am I for Christmas? About this excited.